Listening Beneath the Words: The Art of Non-Defensive Communication

Most of us think we’re good listeners.
We nod, maintain eye contact, maybe even repeat back what someone said to show we were paying attention. But real listening — the kind that softens conflict and creates connection — is a different skill entirely.

It asks something deeper of us: presence, humility, and the willingness to not make it about us.

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) was developed by psychologist and mediator Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg in the 1960s. His work focused on fostering compassionate connection through honest expression and empathic listening — helping people move beyond blame and defensiveness toward understanding and mutual respect.

In Nonviolent Communication (NVC), listening isn’t a passive act. It’s an active form of empathy — a way of hearing what’s alive in another person beneath their words, tone, or reactivity.

This kind of listening is not about agreeing, fixing, or proving your point.
It’s about tuning in to the feelings and needs that are being expressed — often clumsily, sometimes harshly — and responding from compassion rather than defense.

And like all things human, it takes practice.

Why It’s So Hard to Listen When We Feel Attacked

Let’s be honest: when someone criticizes us, it feels awful.
Even when we know they’re stressed or hurting, our nervous system tends to leap into one of three familiar patterns: fight, flight, or freeze.

We might:

• Argue (“That’s not true!”)

• Withdraw (“Whatever, I’m done talking about this”)

• Or go quiet but stew internally (“Why do they always talk to me like that?”)

These reactions make perfect sense. We’re wired for self-protection. But in relationships — with partners, family, coworkers, or clients — self-protection often backfires. When we armor up, the other person feels unheard, so they push harder. We dig in deeper. The cycle continues.

Nonviolent Communication gives us a different path: empathy first, understanding second, solution last.

Listening the NVC Way: Feelings and Needs

When someone speaks to us — especially when they’re upset — their words usually carry two layers:

1. The surface layer: the actual words they’re saying (which might sound critical, blaming, or confusing).

2. The underlying layer: their unspoken feelings and needs.

Our job, if we want to listen with empathy, is to tune our attention to that second layer.

Let’s take an example:

“You never help me around the house. You’re so lazy!”

At face value, that sounds like an attack. But if we listen the NVC way, we might hear something underneath:

• Feelings: overwhelmed, tired, unseen

• Needs: support, teamwork, rest, acknowledgment

When we can identify that subtext, we can choose to respond not to the criticism, but to the need behind it.

Instead of saying, “I’m not lazy! I did the dishes yesterday,”
we might pause and respond, “It sounds like you’re feeling really tired and wanting more help — is that right?”

That kind of response is disarming. It moves the conversation from me versus you to us figuring this out together.

You can find a helpful list of Feelings and Needs to build your “empathy vocabulary” here:
👉 Feelings and Needs We All Have

The Practice of Empathic Guessing

One of the most powerful tools in NVC listening is called empathic guessing.
Instead of assuming we know what someone means, we guess what they might be feeling or needing — and check in gently.

You can think of it like offering a mirror:
“I’m hearing that you’re frustrated and maybe needing more clarity — am I getting that right?”

The goal isn’t to be perfectly accurate.
The goal is to let the other person feel felt.

Even if you’re wrong, most people will correct you in a softer way because they sense your intention to understand. They might say, “No, not frustrated exactly — more disappointed.”
And suddenly, you’ve gone from a fight to a conversation.

Here’s what empathic guesses might sound like in different situations:

Example 1:
When someone says, “You never listen to me,” what you might actually be hearing underneath is a feeling of being unheard, lonely, or disrespected. An empathic way to respond could be:

“It sounds like you’re feeling really unheard and wanting more understanding from me — is that close?”

Example 2:
If someone says, “You’re always on your phone,” what they may really be expressing is a sense of disconnection or a longing for attention and closeness. You might try responding with:

“You’re wanting more time together, maybe?”

Example 3:
When a person says, “You don’t care about my work,” the feelings underneath could be insecurity or a desire to feel appreciated and valued. An empathic response might sound like:

“You’d like to feel that what you do matters to me?”

Empathy turns criticism into clarity.

Empathy ≠ Agreement

A common misunderstanding about NVC listening is that it means you have to agree with everything the other person says. Not at all.

You can empathize with someone’s feelings and needs without conceding your own point of view.

For instance:

“I hear that you’re really upset and need to feel respected in this situation. I also need space to explain my perspective.”

Empathy doesn’t erase boundaries — it builds them in a way that’s relational rather than rigid. It allows both realities to exist at the same table.

The Inner Work: Staying Non-Defensive

To listen well, we have to work with our own triggers.
It’s nearly impossible to hear someone’s pain if we’re too busy protecting ourselves from it.

Here are a few practices that help us stay grounded when we feel attacked or misunderstood.

1. Pause Before Reacting

Take a slow breath. Literally. Feel your feet on the ground, your body in the chair. This interrupts the automatic defensive loop and buys your nervous system a few seconds to settle.

2. Name What’s Happening Internally

You might think to yourself, “I feel defensive right now because I need understanding.”
Just naming your own state can reduce its grip.

3. Remember It’s Not About You (Even When It Sounds Like It Is)

Most criticism is an expression of unmet needs. The words may be directed at you, but the pain belongs to the other person. If you can listen for their needs instead of their judgments, you’ll notice your heart soften.

4. Offer Yourself Empathy

NVC isn’t just outward—it’s inward, too. You can silently say to yourself, “I’m feeling hurt and need to be seen for my good intentions.”
This helps you stay connected to yourself while still listening to them.

Listening as a Therapist (and a Human)

In therapy sessions, I often notice how people crave being listened to without interruption, advice, or analysis. When someone finally feels heard—truly heard—something inside them relaxes.

But outside the therapy room, this kind of listening is rare. We live in a culture of debate, problem-solving, and quick takes. We’re constantly preparing our response instead of receiving what’s being said.

If you’ve ever had the experience of someone “listening” while clearly waiting for their turn to talk, you know how lonely that feels.

Nonviolent listening asks us to bring curiosity where we’d normally bring correction.
It asks us to listen not to words, but to life energy — the longing beneath those words.

The Dance of Two Needs

One of the most liberating insights from NVC is that every conflict is just two sets of needs trying to be met at the same time.

When I remember that, I stop seeing the other person as an obstacle, and start seeing them as a fellow human trying to navigate their pain just like me.

For example:
If someone snaps, “You’re always late!”
Instead of thinking, They’re attacking me, I can think, They value reliability and predictability — those are their needs.

And I might also recognize, I value flexibility and autonomy — those are mine.

Now it’s not a battle of right versus wrong; it’s a dialogue between needs.
That mindset shift alone can transform relationships.

How to Listen for Feelings and Needs in Real Time

Here’s a step-by-step process you can practice in any conversation:

1. Listen with curiosity, not rebuttal.
   Your only job in that moment is to understand.

2. Silently translate judgments into needs.
   When you hear blame (“You’re selfish”), try translating it: “They might be needing care or consideration.”

3. Reflect back feelings and needs.
   “You seem hurt and needing more reassurance right now, does that fit?”

4. Check for accuracy.
   If they say “no,” that’s okay! It’s not failure; it’s connection. They’re clarifying what’s true for them.

5. Once understanding lands, share your own experience.
   Only after they feel heard is the space open for your truth to be received.

When Listening Feels Impossible

There are times when empathic listening isn’t accessible — when someone is verbally abusive, manipulative, or refuses to engage respectfully.
NVC never asks us to abandon self-protection or tolerate harm.

In those cases, the first empathy needs to go toward yourself.
You can still use NVC internally: “I’m feeling unsafe and need boundaries.”
Empathy without boundaries becomes self-erasure, and that’s not the goal.

Nonviolent Communication works best in relationships where mutual care is possible — even if imperfect.

Practicing at Home

Here’s a simple exercise you can try tonight or in your next meaningful conversation:

1. Ask someone how their day was.

2. As they talk, focus on identifying one feeling and one need they might be expressing.

3. Reflect it back:
   “You sound relieved — maybe because you finally got some downtime?”

Notice how they respond. Most people soften when they feel understood.

You can also practice with everyday annoyances. When someone honks, interrupts, or acts rude, silently ask yourself, “What might they be feeling or needing?”
Maybe they’re scared, rushed, or overwhelmed.
You don’t have to excuse their behavior, but imagining their humanity helps you stay anchored in yours.

Self-Empathy: Listening to Your Own Needs First

Sometimes we can’t offer empathy to others because we’re running on empty ourselves.
Before trying to be the world’s best listener, check in with your own internal state.

Ask:

• What am I feeling right now?

• What do I need before I can truly listen? (Rest, validation, patience?)

• Can I give that to myself, or do I need to name it out loud?

When we tend to our own needs, listening becomes less of a burden and more of a gift we’re able to give freely.

Why Empathic Listening Changes Everything

When we learn to listen this way, relationships start to shift in surprising ways:

• Arguments shorten and resolve faster.

• People feel safer telling us the truth.

• We become less reactive and more grounded.

• We experience more peace — both internally and relationally.

Empathic listening doesn’t mean we never set boundaries or say “no.”
It means we can say “no” with kindness and understanding, rather than judgment.
It means we can stay connected, even when we disagree.

And perhaps most importantly, it means we can hear someone’s pain without needing to fix it — simply by holding space for it.

A Closing Thought

Most of us were never taught to listen this way.
We learned how to debate, correct, and defend — not how to listen for what’s underneath.

But when we start paying attention to the feelings and needs behind people’s words, communication becomes less about winning and more about understanding.

It’s a radical act of compassion to stay open when your reflex is to protect yourself.
But every time you do, you’re rewriting a pattern — one conversation at a time.

So the next time someone comes at you with sharp words, try this simple internal mantra:

“Underneath every criticism is a human being with feelings and needs — just like me.”

If you can hold that truth, you’re already practicing Nonviolent Communication at its highest level.

Explore More:
If you’d like to deepen your understanding of how to recognize and respond to feelings and needs (in yourself or others), visit the official NVC resource:
👉 Feelings and Needs We All Have

May your listening be curious, your heart soft, and your boundaries clear.
Because empathy doesn’t mean absorbing everything — it means staying connected to what’s alive, in both of you.