Learning to Speak from the Heart: An Intro to Non-Violence Communication
Most of us never learned how to speak in a way that actually brings us closer to the people we love.
We learned how to express opinions, argue a point, defend ourselves, or try to be “right.”
But we didn’t learn how to identify what we’re really feeling—or what we’re truly needing—and then communicate that in a way that invites understanding instead of defensiveness.
This is why so many conversations, even with good intentions, spiral into disconnection. We end up talking about what we don’t want (“Stop ignoring me,” “I hate when you do that,” “Don’t talk to me like that”) instead of what we do want (“I really want to feel heard,” “I’d love for you to check in before deciding,” “I need respect when we disagree”).
And the difference between those two is the difference between war and peace—internally and relationally.
This is where Nonviolent Communication (NVC) comes in.
What Is Nonviolent Communication?
Nonviolent Communication (often called NVC) was developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg as a process for fostering empathy and connection in how we relate to ourselves and others. The word “nonviolent” doesn’t just mean the absence of physical harm—it refers to speaking from a place free of blame, shame, or coercion.
Rosenberg described NVC as a language of life.
At its core, it’s about identifying what’s alive in us—our feelings and our needs—and expressing them honestly, while also listening for what’s alive in others with empathy.
It’s simple in theory, but incredibly challenging in practice.
Not because the framework is complicated, but because most of us were never taught this way of relating. We learned to use language as a tool of defense, persuasion, or control—not connection.
So, before we go any further, I want to normalize something:
If NVC feels awkward, clunky, or even a little “performative” at first, that’s okay. It’s not supposed to sound like a script—it’s supposed to guide us toward awareness, clarity, and compassion. Think of it as emotional retraining for your nervous system and your words.
Why We Default to Disconnection
When we’re hurt, afraid, or frustrated, it’s easy to speak in the language of blame and judgment.
We might say things like:
“You never listen to me.”
“You’re so selfish.”
“You’re always late.”
“You make me feel like I don’t matter.”
These statements may be true to our experience of a situation, but they also almost guarantee defensiveness. The other person hears an accusation rather than an invitation. Instead of curiosity (“What’s going on for you?”), their nervous system triggers protection (“I need to defend myself”).
And once that wall goes up, nobody is listening anymore. We start reacting to reactions instead of responding to needs.
What we’re really trying to say in moments like that is often something softer and more vulnerable:
“I feel lonely and want to feel close to you.”
“I need consideration and partnership.”
“I feel anxious when we’re late and want more predictability.”
“I need reassurance that I matter.”
The problem is, we weren’t taught to name what’s underneath our frustration.
So we default to the only emotional vocabulary most of us were ever given: irritation, criticism, sarcasm, or silence.
But when we slow down enough to uncover the need underneath the reaction, communication starts to transform.
Feelings and Needs: The Heart of NVC
At the center of NVC are two key elements: feelings and needs.
It might sound simple, but learning to identify and speak from these two things can change the entire texture of a conversation.
Feelings
These are the raw, present-moment sensations that let us know what’s happening inside.
They’re not thoughts (“I feel like you don’t care”)—they’re emotions or bodily experiences (“I feel hurt,” “I feel scared,” “I feel disconnected,” “I feel grateful”).
Learning to name feelings accurately helps us stay connected to ourselves. It also helps others understand what’s actually going on for us without feeling blamed or accused.
Needs
Needs are the universal human qualities we all share—things like safety, belonging, respect, understanding, autonomy, contribution, rest, play, and connection.
Feelings are simply indicators of whether these needs are being met or not.
When our needs are met, we tend to feel things like joy, calm, and ease.
When they’re not, we feel emotions like sadness, anger, fear, or frustration.
You can find an excellent list of both feelings and needs on the Center for Nonviolent Communication website here:
👉 Feelings and Needs We All Have
It’s a wonderful tool for expanding your emotional vocabulary and noticing patterns—both in yourself and in your relationships.
The Four Steps: Observation, Feeling, Need, Request
NVC offers a simple four-part framework often summarized as OFNR:
Observation, Feeling, Need, Request.
Think of it as a mindful way to express what’s happening without blame.
Observation: What actually happened—just the facts, without judgment.
(“When you walked out of the room while I was talking…”)Feeling: How you feel in response to what happened.
(“I felt sad and confused…”)Need: What underlying need is connected to those feelings.
(“…because I really value understanding and connection.”)Request: A clear, specific action that might help meet that need.
(“Would you be willing to pause for a moment next time and let me know if you need a break?”)
Here’s how that might sound all together:
“When you left the conversation suddenly, I felt hurt and disconnected, because I need to feel understood and emotionally safe in our talks. Would you be open to letting me know next time if you need space so I don’t feel blindsided?”
Notice that this way of speaking doesn’t attack.
It shares what’s true for you, invites dialogue, and leaves room for both people’s needs to coexist.
What This Looks Like in Real Life
Let’s imagine a common scenario:
You’ve had a long day at work. You come home, and your partner is scrolling on their phone, barely looking up. You feel ignored.
Your old pattern might sound like:
“You’re always on your phone! Do you even care about me?”
That’s likely to trigger defensiveness. Your partner might say:
“I just needed five minutes to decompress, stop nagging me!”
Now you’re both in protection mode, each feeling unseen and unheard.
Try reframing it in NVC terms:
“When I came home and saw you on your phone, I felt a little lonely and disappointed because I was really looking forward to connecting after my day. Would you be open to setting the phone down for a few minutes so we can catch up?”
The difference isn’t in what you’re saying—it’s how you’re saying it.
You’re expressing what’s alive in you (loneliness, the need for connection) without making the other person wrong.
When we speak this way, we’re much more likely to be met with empathy instead of defensiveness.
Common Misunderstandings About NVC
A few things people often misunderstand when they first start practicing:
1. It’s Not About Being “Nice”
NVC isn’t about sugar-coating or suppressing anger. It’s about expressing honesty without violence. You can be angry and compassionate. Anger is often just a signal that a need for respect, fairness, or autonomy is not being met.
2. It’s Not a Script
NVC is not meant to sound robotic or formulaic. If you walk around saying “When you did X, I felt Y because I need Z,” it might feel stiff at first. That’s okay—it’s training wheels. Once the framework becomes natural, your speech will flow more authentically.
3. It’s Not One-Sided
Sometimes people use NVC language as a tool to get what they want. But the real purpose is mutual understanding. It’s about everyone’s needs mattering equally.
4. It’s Not Just for Conflict
NVC can deepen intimacy, support parenting, improve workplace communication, and help us speak more kindly to ourselves. It’s a universal relational skill.
How Our Culture Teaches the Opposite
Think about how we’re socialized around communication.
We’re rewarded for being logical, persuasive, and assertive. But rarely are we taught how to stay connected to vulnerability.
In many families, feelings were minimized (“You’re too sensitive”), mocked (“Stop crying”), or ignored altogether. So we learned to mask them behind intellectual analysis, humor, or control.
Over time, we lose fluency in our own emotional language. We forget how to name what we feel or need, so we talk around it.
Instead of “I feel scared,” we say, “You’re stressing me out.”
Instead of “I need support,” we say, “You never help me.”
These sentences may sound different, but the energy underneath is the same: fear of vulnerability.
And that fear keeps us trapped in reactive loops, where both people are protecting themselves rather than connecting.
Learning NVC is really about unlearning defensiveness.
It’s about remembering that vulnerability and accountability can coexist.
Practicing NVC: Start with Self-Connection
Before we can use NVC effectively with others, we need to use it with ourselves.
When you feel triggered, pause and ask:
What am I feeling right now? (frustrated, scared, lonely, overwhelmed)
What need might that feeling point to? (understanding, rest, appreciation, autonomy)
What request could I make—to myself or someone else—that would help meet that need?
This inner check-in interrupts autopilot reactions and brings compassion to the part of you that’s hurting.
Sometimes, that’s enough. You may realize you don’t even need to “fix” the situation—you just needed to listen inwardly with empathy.
If you’d like a concrete tool for identifying your emotions, you can use the Feelings and Needs lists on the official NVC website. Many people print them out or keep them saved on their phones to reference in moments of overwhelm.
Reflection Prompts for Practice
If you’d like to experiment with this, here are some gentle prompts:
Think of a recent conflict. What did you say, and what were you really feeling underneath?
What need was alive in you during that conversation? (e.g., respect, support, calm, choice, affection)
How might you express that need next time without blame or criticism?
How might you listen for the other person’s underlying feelings and needs, even if their words sound harsh or defensive?
What’s one place in your life where you could try speaking from your needs instead of your judgments?
These reflections aren’t about perfection—they’re about awareness. Every time you notice what’s underneath your words, you’re growing your emotional literacy.
What Happens When We Communicate This Way
When people start practicing NVC, something subtle but profound begins to happen:
Conflicts become less about who’s right and more about what matters.
Vulnerability feels safer.
Empathy becomes a default instead of a forced skill.
You stop needing to “win” arguments because you’re more interested in connection.
It’s not that every conversation becomes smooth. Far from it. Sometimes it’s messy, emotional, or even awkward. But underneath, there’s a shared sense of humanity that makes repair possible.
This is why I love integrating aspects of NVC into therapy.
It’s not just communication training—it’s emotional re-education.
It helps clients notice the deeper layers beneath their reactions and practice self-compassion in real time.
When we start listening for needs instead of judgments, everything changes. We become less reactive, more present, and better able to love without losing ourselves.
In Closing: The Courage to Speak Differently
Learning Nonviolent Communication isn’t about being perfect or “zen.” It’s about being real—real enough to say, “I’m scared,” instead of “You’re being impossible.”
Real enough to say, “I need reassurance,” instead of “You never care.”
That level of honesty takes courage. It asks us to slow down, to stay curious, and to believe that our needs (and others’ needs) matter equally.
So the next time you notice tension rising, take a breath and ask yourself:
What am I truly feeling?
What do I need right now?
How can I express that in a way that honors both me and the other person?
If you can answer those three questions, you’ve already shifted from reaction to connection.
And if you’d like to go deeper, you can explore more about feelings, needs, and practical exercises here:
👉 Nonviolent Communication: Feelings and Needs We All Have
May you find gentleness in your voice, courage in your honesty, and empathy in your listening.
And may your words, little by little, become a bridge rather than a wall.
