When You Feel 'Too Much': Understanding Emotional Intensity Through a DBT lens

When You Feel "Too Much": Embracing the Fullness of Your Humanity Through DBT’s Lens

Have you ever felt like you were just too much? Too much emotion, too many needs, too intense for the world around you? You’ve probably been told to “calm down” or “get over it” at some point in your life, but those words can only make the weight of feeling “too much” heavier. It’s easy to believe that your emotions, your reactions, or your needs are a burden to others. And what’s worse, when we feel this way, we often carry a deep sense of shame, thinking that we are failing at simply being human.

But what if feeling like you’re “too much” isn’t the problem? What if, instead, it’s the way our nervous systems respond to stress and emotion, shaped by our biology, upbringing, and the environment we find ourselves in? What if what makes us feel "too much" is actually an important part of being human? By using the bio-psycho-social theory of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), we can gain insight into why it sometimes feels so difficult to simply exist in our own skin, and why emotions—especially the ones we try so hard to suppress—are not the enemy, but the very thing that connects us to ourselves and others.

The Biology of Being Human: The Nervous System at Play

Our nervous system is a complex system designed to help us navigate the world. It’s wired to protect us, to help us feel and respond to what’s going on around us. However, sometimes, the very system that is supposed to help us navigate life can make us feel like we’re not in control. When we’re in a state of high stress or emotional arousal, our sympathetic nervous system (the “fight or flight” response) kicks in, and we may feel overwhelmed, reactive, or emotionally flooded.

This can result in what we often call an emotional “overload.” You might cry easily, feel angry without clear reason, or struggle with feelings of panic or dread. It can feel maddening, like your body and mind are constantly on edge, but no one ever really explains why. This is where the biological aspect of DBT’s theory comes into play. Our biology is designed to help us react quickly to threats or danger, but when our nervous system is frequently triggered by emotional distress, it can get stuck in a cycle that is hard to break.

Take, for example, a common situation many of us have experienced. Let’s say you’re in an argument with a friend or partner, and suddenly you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed with anger. You find yourself yelling or crying in a way that seems out of proportion to the situation at hand. In the moment, it can feel like you’re losing control, like the emotions are too much for you to handle. This reaction is often a direct result of your nervous system being primed for defense—your body perceives the argument as a threat and reacts accordingly, even if the actual situation is not as dangerous as it feels.

What’s harder to understand is why this reaction can seem to happen again and again—why we keep crying or getting angry when we know it's not helping the situation. The answer lies in the bio-psycho-social interaction.

The Psychology of Our Responses: Emotional Sensitivity and Patterns

The psychological aspect of DBT’s theory delves deeper into why we can become overwhelmed by emotions and why it feels like we are re-enacting old patterns—especially patterns we learned in childhood. From a young age, many of us are taught how to react to emotions by observing the behaviors of our parents, caregivers, and the environment we grow up in. These patterns can become ingrained in our minds, and we may unknowingly continue to act them out in adulthood.

Imagine a child who grows up in an environment where anger is frequently expressed—whether through yelling, silence, or aggression. This child may learn that anger is the way to express frustration or assert control. Over time, this becomes a learned behavior, an automatic reaction to any perceived threat or frustration. The problem is, these learned responses are not always useful in adulthood. Anger, when mismanaged, can escalate into unhealthy conflicts or create emotional distance, perpetuating a cycle of stress, disconnection, and confusion.

Let’s consider Jane’s story. Jane grew up in a home where her father would often explode with anger at seemingly small inconveniences—things like a misplaced cup or a forgotten chore. As a child, Jane learned to keep her distance when things went wrong, to protect herself from the outbursts. But as an adult, she finds herself in relationships where even minor frustrations—like a partner being late or a friend canceling plans—trigger her anger. She can feel the heat rising in her chest, her fists clenching, and before she knows it, she’s snapping at the person she loves, even though the situation doesn’t warrant such an intense reaction. She’s re-enacting her father’s anger, and even though she recognizes it’s out of proportion, she can’t seem to stop it.

This is the result of what DBT calls emotion dysregulation—when the emotional responses are disproportionate to the situation. Jane’s nervous system, conditioned by childhood experiences, reacts instinctively, triggering her anger even though she doesn’t want to be like her father. This cycle of emotional flooding and reaction can feel maddening, especially when we can’t quite understand why we feel this way or how to stop the cycle.

The Social Context: How Our Environment Perpetuates Emotional Reactions

The social aspect of DBT’s bio-psycho-social theory underscores the importance of our environment in shaping our emotional experiences. Society plays a significant role in how we express and regulate our emotions. In some cultures, emotional expression—particularly anger and sadness—may be seen as a weakness. In others, emotional withdrawal or avoidance may be encouraged as a coping mechanism. These social norms can create a toxic environment where emotions are not given space to be expressed in a healthy way.

Take Tom, who grew up in a family where showing emotion was a sign of weakness. His father, a stoic figure, would always dismiss his mother’s tears with a cold, “Stop crying.” Tom learned that crying was something to be ashamed of, and as he grew older, he found himself in relationships where his partner’s tears would send him into panic, making him withdraw emotionally. Instead of comforting his partner, he would become angry or frustrated, unable to tolerate her vulnerability. The social messages he absorbed growing up had made it difficult for him to accept emotional expression as a normal, healthy part of being human.

Tom’s experience highlights the social aspect of emotional dysregulation. The messages we receive from society about what’s “acceptable” in terms of emotional expression directly influence how we handle distress in relationships. If emotions are labeled as “too much,” we internalize this, adding layers of shame and guilt that perpetuate the cycle of emotional avoidance or explosive reactions.

The Cycle of Emotional Dysregulation: Why It Feels So Hard to Break

The bio-psycho-social theory of DBT helps us understand why emotional dysregulation feels so difficult to break. Our nervous system, shaped by biology, responds instinctively to perceived threats, and our early emotional experiences—often from childhood—reinforce patterns of reactivity. As adults, these ingrained patterns can become automatic, even when we recognize that they’re no longer serving us. Our environment continues to shape how we express our emotions, often making us feel like we’re “too much” or that our emotions are inappropriate or out of control.

This cycle is perpetuated by the lack of emotional regulation skills, which DBT aims to address. Through mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness, DBT teaches us how to manage overwhelming emotions, how to stop re-enacting old patterns, and how to build healthier relationships with ourselves and others. Learning these skills can break the cycle of emotional flooding, reactivity, and avoidance. It helps us understand that our emotions, even the intense ones, are not the enemy—they are an important part of being human.

Embracing Your Humanity: Self-Compassion in the Face of Emotional Intensity

One of the most powerful ways to work with the difficult emotions that come with having a nervous system is through self-compassion. Instead of berating ourselves for feeling “too much,” we can learn to treat ourselves with kindness when we are overwhelmed. When Jane feels the anger rising, she can acknowledge the emotion without judgment, recognizing that it’s an old pattern triggered by stress. When Tom feels the panic rising in response to his partner’s vulnerability, he can stop and take a deep breath, allowing himself to stay present rather than running away from the emotion.

Through self-compassion, we learn that our emotions are not something to be ashamed of. They are signals—signposts guiding us through life. With DBT, we can learn to meet these emotions with curiosity rather than fear, and through this process, we reclaim control over our reactions. We can stop feeling like we are “too much,” and instead embrace the fullness of our humanity, recognizing that our emotions are what make us real, raw, and alive.

Conclusion: You Are Not “Too Much”

It’s easy to feel like we are “too much”—too emotional, too needy, too vulnerable. But the truth is, these emotions, these reactions, and even these struggles are what make us deeply human. Through understanding the bio-psycho-social factors at play in our emotional lives, we can begin to break free from the cycles that keep us stuck. By embracing the skills of DBT and the power of self-compassion, we can learn to navigate our emotions with grace and authenticity.

Instead of seeing ourselves as “too much,” we can learn to recognize that we are exactly what we are supposed to be—human, with all the messiness, intensity, and beauty that comes with it. And that is something worth celebrating.